Can Purell be used as lube?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Who died my cat blue again?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
