I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
