I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
