I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
