Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
