I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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