i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
