also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
