I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
