life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
