well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
