i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
