she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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