turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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