I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
