Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
