sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
