Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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