Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
