Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
