Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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