Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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