What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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