So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
