apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
