I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I have fence marks all over my body
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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