chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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