i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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