It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
