Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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