I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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