i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
