he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
