I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
