Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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