god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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