I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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