How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
