John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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