i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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