It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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