then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
