He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
