Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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