Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
