There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
