Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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