I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
