I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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