Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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