If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
