I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
